"Bitch, party of one"

I must really be PMSing or something because now I'm just being mean. For no damn reason. OK, I have tons of reasons to be a bitch to AH. I've stored them up over the last 4 plus years. They're in a shoe box in the closet. Alphabetized. With picture references glued to the tabs. Really. 8042 of them. But lately, just looking in his general direction and watching whatever he happens to be doing at the time pisses me off. I can rarely stay for any length of time in the same room as him because he fucking repulses me. Have you ever looked over at someone who is just watching the TV and all it takes is the expression on their face to power up the laser gun in your forehead? Dumbass, gaping mouthed, fish face. Pshewwww! Laser beam of murder death kill right between the eyes. He has no idea he's just been annihilated. He has no clue. He just looks over at me......"what?" Me: "Nothin."

Gees I hate him. He has seriously turned me into a bitch. It's his fault. I am blameless. I was a peaceful person when he found me. HE found ME. I had nothing to do with that either. In fact, HE is exactly why a particular friend of mine is no longer allowed to go out with me. She has the worst taste in men. She tried to hook me up with a man at a garage sale we went to, tried to pawn me off on the toothless produce manager at the grocery store, she even tried to set me up with the gay Coca-cola delivery guy. AFTER she found out he was gay, she still tried to tell him he should reconsider 'cus "her friend is such a catch". HE'S GAY!!!!! AS IN, NOT INTO GIRLS, GET IT???? Then she picked AH out for me one night in bar because she decided he had a nice package. (In jeans, of course) Then he kept asking her about me. I told her every time we ran into him and his brother there that he was NOT my type. She insisted that I was too picky and had been single too long and I should give him a chance. After their constant pressuring of me, I figured, I have no one better to do right now and I can always get rid of him later if I don't like him ...... Now it's 4 years later and I'm with the same dumbass and pissed off at him because he chose to eat peanut butter toast for breakfast. Yeah, I hate him that much right now. Everything he does pisses me off. This is my thought process right now...

Look what the assmunch is doing now. He's making peanut butter toast for breakfast. I fucking hate peanut butter and toast scratches up the roof of my mouth. And if you're gonna make peanut butter toast, you don't put butter on it first. That just makes it hard to spread the peanut butter. It doesn't stick. Oh, well, he doesn't spread anything right anyway. He never gets it all the way to the corners. Yeah, he never gives a shit enough to not do something half-assed. I never trusted anyone who doesn't spread stuff all the way to the corners. Nothing worse than a dry bite of whatever on bread. Yeah, can't fucking depend on him for anything. Not that we can ever eat anything together anyway with the shit he makes. Who puts thousand island dressing and Parmesan cheese on a baked potato or pours a can of corn, crackers and catsup in a bowl of chili. I don't even like chili. He eats too much damn chili. Then he sits around and farts and thinks it's funny. Inconsiderate asshole. And what's with mixing the salsa and the guacamole together in the same bowl? If I ever wanted to dip a chip, it's all fucked up. Fucknut never thinks of anyone but himself, EVER. Fucking hate him.

This is all while he's spreading the peanut butter in his half-assed, could give a shit about anyone but himself way he is. He finally looked over at me.

AH: What?
Me: You make sucky food.
AH: I can't be good at everything.
Me: Yeah, but you'd think you'd be good at SOMETHING.
AH: One thing I was really good at was...
ME: Drinking beer? *I interrupt* Gambling? Watching strippers? Ya know, you really should make it a goal someday to become good at something worth while.
AH: *snicker* I was really good at Thai Qwan Do, actually.
Me: Yeah, OK, *I could beat your ass*, whatever you say.
AH: I was the best in my class.
Me: It must have been really difficult going up against all those ten year olds.
AH: Nah.....it wasn't just 10 year olds. There were a lot of various different people in there. There was my 8th grade math teacher and a retired Vietnam vet....
Me: Wowwwww.......Reeaalllyyyy? By the way, you don't say "various and different" right next to each other in the same sentence. They sort of mean the same thing...like saying "a little small something"
AH: You say that all the time.
Me: Wish I didn't have to for emphasis.
AH: *silent, TV watching fishface*

DUMBASS.

EDIT: For those of you who are shaking your heads and saying "If she hates him so badly that she wants to put a hammer in his temple and bury him in the woods, then MAYBE she should not live with him anymore", gawl, thanks for the tip.......I never thought of that. Seriously, I am in the process of picking out a new place to rent and will be giving my notice to our landlord here soon. AH already knows I'm leaving him. It's more complicated than it seems and there are some things to figure out but I am working on it. Just so ya know.

Hey!.....Come Out and Play by Offspring is playing on my iTunes mix right now...."Hey, Man, you disrespecting me? Take 'em out. You got to keep 'em separated" Fits my sitch right now don't you think?