What up on the job search and why is he such an AH?

I've been very busy with my job search this last couple of weeks and I think I may have found myself a job. It's for a auto loan financing company. Full time, good pay. I'm just waiting for my drug test results to come back and I'm hired. (I don't do any drugs so I'm not worried about it.) They are hoping to have me start on Monday. If I do, the next week is going to be really busy with house hunting so I won't have to live with AH anymore.

I have mixed feelings about all that and I still don't know what I'm going to do about his kids. I'm the only mom they've had for the last 4 years and I don't want to abandon them. What I do know is, I can't live with him anymore. Hell, I can't be with him at all anymore. Part of me still cares about him but I'm definitely not in love. If I ever was, he killed it a long time ago. Most of the time now I just want to put a screw driver through his temple. Oh, sorry, would that be wrong? And I don't think I will never again look at men in the same trusting way as I did before I was with him. He showed me the dark side and I'm not sure I can get over that too easily. I used to think getting affection didn't come with a price and I used to believe that someone could enjoy my company without expecting me to put out. I forgot what it was like to be taken out once in a while or to spend a quiet evening cuddling on the couch watching a movie. I've never been treated this way before and now I wonder if this is how men really are and they just keep it hidden or if it's just him who is a pig and there's still decent men out there. He made me feel obligated to do things I didn't feel like doing and then he told me I was unlovable and that no one would ever be able to be with me and be happy. The me I was before would have told him to go to hell and now a part of me wonders if he's right.

I know that destructive relationships can play havoc on your self esteem and I know I'm in a bad spot right now. I'm just hoping that it all changes when I get my own place again and I can get to the place emotionally that I was before. I'm hoping that I haven't let the last 4 years change me permanently for the worse. I guess I'm about to find out. I'm normally a very strong person and I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm scared. Change is scary to me and not knowing what the future has in store for me is the hardest part. I've been here before in my life, though, (leaving a relationship that wasn't working) and it all turned out for the best so I'm just going to try to make it a leap of faith and trust that everything will work out and be OK.

I'm being totally depressing and I hate it so enough of that!!! I like the other me better. This chick I've been writing about today is a real wimp and I've had about enough of her. Am I creeping you out yet by talking about myself in 3rd person? Yeah, I thought so. So, anyway, I hope everyone else is having a better day than I am and I'll be back soon when I'm in a better mood. Kayseeyalaterbye.