Birthday update

My fucked up birthday went from bad to worse.

I talked to my little brother, checked all my internet job connections for new listings for several hours and then chatted over the Instant Messenger with my friend, Paula, for a while. AH had left several hours before with his kids not telling me where he was going. Thinking that he is doing last minute shopping for a cake and a present for me (as usual) I waited here instead of going to my mom's and picking up the gift certificate and taking Jenna to dinner. I didn't want to disappoint AH's kids if they had planned a small celebration for me so I figured I'd better stay here.

AH got home a little after 6:00 pm with bags of groceries. I thought there might be a cake and a present in there for me, maybe. I waited at my computer for another hour and nothing happened. Groceries got put away and he propped himself on the couch with a beer and settled in for watching TV. The more I thought about it, the more hurt I got. I ALWAYS make sure there has at least been a cake and ice cream and candles for him to blow out. I invite his brother and sister in law over to sing happy birthday to him with his kids. I have the kids make him cards and I always give him a present. No matter how badly we are getting along. It's a BIRTHDAY for fucks sake. I went to my room and laid down and cried. I cried myself right into a migraine.

I finally fell asleep just to wake back up around 11:00 pm to AH sitting at the end of the bed, scraping his spoon on the bottom of a bowl of soup and watching sports. I asked why he was in the room. He turned around and slurred at me that the kids were watching a show in the living room that he didn't want to watch. I was speechless. All I wanted at that point was to be left in my room in peace to cry and sleep the rest of my birthday away and he was even ruining that. In a blind, poor fucking me, nobody gives a shit, rage, I grabbed my pillow and blanket and started crying again as I made my way into my daughters room telling her on the way that I was going to lay on her bed for a while. She came in about 15 minutes later to tell me that the kids had turned off their movie and AH was back in the living room so I could go back into my room now. I woke up again at 1:00 am. AH was passed out on the couch. I left him there and went back to bed thinking "thank God it's over and that had to have been the shittiest birthday EVER".

Then for some reason, a picture of a bum under a bridge came into my mind (seriously, it did)and I thought about someone who has no family and no roof over their head and was eating out of trash cans and I wondered what their birthdays must be like. I felt very ashamed of myself. I expected common courtesy from someone who I already know has none and when he let me down like he always does, I let him ruin my day. I could have decided to make it better even at that point and instead I had a huge pity party, worked myself up into being ill and crying all night. I probably made my daughter feel sad for me too. What a big baby. I don't know which was worse. How much I didn't feel loved or the pathetic way I reacted to it.

I decided that I'm planning my own party next year if I want one. With all of my friends and no assholes. I'm gonna drink me some tequila. I'm going to wear a stupid hat and blow on noise makers, get all hoochied mamad out and hire a stripper or five. The good looking ones. Not the Fabio lookalike freaks that need bags over their heads. Pretty boys in uniforms maybe. Let's see ..... how about a sailor (gotta love marines), a cop with big old ... uhh ... gun, a fireman, a ranch raised cowboy in a white T-shirt, black hat and Levi's and a nice big muscley blue-eyed brunette in a suit of armor to ride off on his horse with me into the sunset. That'd work for me.