I'M BACK. At least for today, who knows about tomorrow

I am SOOOOOO sorry I have been gone so long. It's been over a month. I can't even hardly believe that shit.

Not much has been going on but I feel like such a different person now that I guess you could say I was finding myself again. When someone you are with and their life issues has such an impact on yours, it's hard to know what to do with yourself when they aren't around anymore. I was worried about who I became and if I could ever get back to being who I was. I found out a few things.

When I'm hurting inside, I put a huge wall around myself and I let no one get past it. I guess there's obvious reasons for that but I didn't realize how much it changed my personality and my interactions with people. I've done a lot to fix that in the last month and a half.

I made a new friend from that new job I started. Neither her or I are working there anymore but I like her a lot and we are keeping in touch. She's my newest buddy. The weird thing is that we worked at my last employer together too for years and never knew each other. We have a lot in common, actually. She's good for me because she's a lot like me and it makes me feel OK to be myself.

I realized that when I was lonely, I would think about my X and kind of miss him and that I needed to get over that. I decided that I need a transition man. You know, the throw away relationship that never goes anywhere but gets you over the last guy. So, I signed up on one of those internet dating site things and have been having a fucking blast! I'm getting like 30 responses a day from men and I can email back and forth with them within the site so it's totally safe until you decide to call or IM each other. This one guy and I got really attached to each other really quickly and have been IMing with each other for hours every day and then finally talking on the phone. We met in person on Friday though and I don't think we're each other's type. We both had really high hopes about it because we talk really well together and I was really bummed out about it over the last couple days until I realized something..... I haven't even thought about my X once in the last week! Asshole who??? FUCK YEAH!!! That's what I'm talking about. Anyway, I probably made a friend for life out of the deal and maybe I'll fix him up with a friend of mine or something. Who knows.

As for me, today I got back on the dating site and I'm ready to meet the next guy. It's great for my ego too 'cus they all tell me I'm hot and have gorgeous eyes and beautiful hair and should be a model and stuff. I'm freaking eating that shit up! I wish I was shorter though (I'm 5'8") or there were a lot more tall men around because my height requirement is disqualifying a lot of them. I like to wear heels on a date and I want to look UP into their eyes, c'mon. I don't think that's too much to ask. OH well, I've only been on there two weeks so there'll be more 6 footers turning up.

I mentioned that I'm not working at that new job anymore. That's because they suck ass and the management, my trainer and I came to a mutual agreement that the place was choking the life out of me and if I stayed there one more second I was either going to lose my mind or someone was getting put through a plate glass window for annoying the fuck out of me. I heard last week that only 2 people are left from the 13 in my training class so I don't feel so bad. At least I'm not the only one who couldn't handle it. I believe the term they used was "dropping like flies".

I am a little worried about bills now but I paid my December rent on time and have two interviews next week and am thinking positive. I can do that now that I am no longer living in the dark hole of evil with the asshole from hell. My home is peaceful still and my worst worry other than a job is getting my daughter to do her homework. Well ..... I guess there was that incident when my car headlight filled up with water and kept blowing out the bulbs but I drilled holes in the bottom of the fucker so that problem got solved in about 3 and a half minutes. I'll buy a new one soon so don't lecture me on my ways of handling shit. I'm doing well.

My confidence is returning and that internet dating site boy kept a stupid smile on my face for over a week and mellowed me out a bit. He talked to me for hours every day and we shared our secrets and biggest fears. We called each other Baby and wrote OXOXOX at the end of our conversations. He doesn't watch chick flicks but rented the Lake House and watched it all by himself because I told him it reminded me of us writing to each other and not being able to meet yet. He made me feel safe to allow myself to be vulnerable with someone. I had forgotten what it was like to think about someone when you go to bed and then again as soon as you wake up. It was a small taste of being in love and I haven't felt like that in a lot of years. I NEVER felt that way about Asshole and that taught me something too. I thought after being with him that I had lost that soft part of me and that I might not get it back. I found out that's not true. It may take dating different guys for a while to find a great guy who fits with me. I know that. But I have hope now that I will fall in love again and for me that is HUGE.