I'm traumatized

I had two major tests on Monday so went to school like a good little girl. By the time I got done with my 4 classes it was 2:30 and I was ready to go home for a nap. I was also starving because I hadn't eaten anything yet for the day.

So I'm driving down a major street in our town and I pass a police officer who is about to pull out of a side street and end up right behind me. Normally no big deal except my tags expired last month and I haven't gotten new ones yet. I know I put EVERYTHING off. I have no self discipline anyway and going to the DMV is NOT my idea of a good time. So, I did what anyone would do and took an immediate right into a shopping complex and he drove on by. SMOOTH. Note to self: Get your dumb ass to DMV right now before you get a ticket. But wait......Is that Taco Bell right in front of me, big as shit? It is!!! I'm still on a diet but what harm could a bean burito do? It would be just enough food to stop my stomach from eating itself up during the 20 minute drive home. "May I take your order, please?" Yeah, I'll have 1 no 2 bean buritos and 2 ice waters. Thanks. Ok, so I caved and got 2. Wanna make somethin' of it? I thought so.

Anyway, there's a DMV pretty near to where I was but I wanted more drive time so I could scarf my food. Plus, the one closer to my house out South is in a way better part of town and has, well, a bit classier crowd and employees who bathe. So, I make my way across town and into their parking lot. Just as I arrived, my cell rings. It's my chatty friend who talks nonstop forever. I thought about not answering but I haven't returned her calls in a week and I was really in no hurry so I turned off the car and rolled down the window. I let her go on for about a half hour as I sipped down my waters and tried to rinse all the refried beans out of my teeth.

I finally told her that I had to get off the phone 'cus I still had to go into DMV. I had to pee really bad by then and they don't have a bathroom so I was gonna end up holding it. I got out of the car and had to dodge this big ass yellow jacket that was chasing me so I ended up running all the way to the door. (They must like the smell of beans because he followed me the whole way) You gotta be F-ing kidding me......THEY'RE CLOSED! On a Monday? WTF? It's not a holiday. I swung my purse at the bee and quickly read the door... closed Monday and open Saturday. How nice. It would have been nice to know that on Saturday.

SHIT! I gotta pee and there's still a bee after me. There's a grocery store in the same complex so I ran for it. I must have looked like an idiot running in flip flops swinging my purse around my head. I make it inside and head for the bathroom and there are "waiters" in the only 2 stalls in there. You know...waiters...the ones who go into a public bathroom and have to take a shit but they're too embarrassed to let anyone hear them so they sit in the stall with their pants around their ankles and wait for everyone to get done and leave so they can shit in private. And if the person in the other stall is a waiter too then is becomes a "wait off" and the most stubborn one wins. I quickly picked up on the game (because of the prolonged silence) and decided that I had no choice but to join in on it because there was a bee stalking me outside and there wasn't another toilet anywhere nearby anyway. One of them finally gave up and came out of the stall and I'll be damned if this little 16 year old grocery store employee didn't come in the bathroom right then and snuck in there before I could. I actually swore out loud. Now SHE is playing too. SHIT! Right after that, the other one of the original 2 waiters must have given up on shitting privately too. She let loose a scene from "Dumb and Dumber" loud enough for everyone in the store to hear, flushed the toilet and the stall door finally opened.

Then IT came out. This THING that looked like a zombie from "The Evil Dead" comes out walking in slow motion (like zombies sometimes do) pasty white saggy skin, scraggly hair standing straight up, dead black shark eyes, and as bad as I had to piss, I took one look at her...him...it... and the voice in my head said "OH.HELL.NO.I.AM.NOT going NEAR the toilet that THING just got off of." I was seriously in danger of pissing my pants so I stepped back to let IT walk by me, told the voice to shut it and went in. Then, right as I closed the door, it hit me full force in the face. THE STENCH OF THE DIARRHEA SHIT OF THE LIVING DEAD. I dry heaved several times but the thought of getting my face close enough to THAT toilet to hurl refried beans into it snapped me out of it. I was 2 seconds away from running back outa there but I could see though the crack in the door that IT was still standing there at the sink and felt sorry for IT (being the undead and all) and didn't want to offend it by running out of the stall.

I gathered a bunch of toilet paper and held it over my nose and mouth to breathe through, and hovered myself over 5 toilet seat protector sheets and if there was a trophy for speed-peeing I would have won it. I dry heaved a couple more times on the way out of the store and made it back to my car with tears in my eyes. Yep, TRAUMATIZED.

Oh, and that damned yellow jacket was climbing all on my driver's side car door when I tried to get in so I squished the little fucker up against my car with my boot and then ground his black and yellow striped ass into the pavement. He's lucky that I didn't throw up on him after that. Fucker. I was NOT dealing with anyone else's shit for the day. Literally or otherwise.

Here's the moral of the story....
Renew your tags before they expire or you might end up dodging a policeman, breaking your diet at Taco Bell, drinking a bunch of water outside of a closed DMV, chased by a bee, subjected to the evil shit stench of the undead and trying not to throw up on a bee carcass.