My Real Feelings

I was reading April's blog and got this idea from her. She said this is how it works: Write 15 things about 15 separate people, but don't name them. They can be things you were too shy to tell people, things you wish you could tell them, or things you hate about them. Anything.

Mine turned out WAY longer than hers. I guess that's OK though. It's supposed to be like therapy so whatever it takes, right?!?!

1. We've been friends for such a long time and our children have grown up together. We are like family, I want you always in my life. Sometimes, though, you annoy the fucking hell outa me and I need to take a break from you to save my sanity. I will try to always be there for you but it's something new with you each day. I need to step back from the drama sometimes so I can focus on my own problems.

2. You have no idea what you had. You were my world. I depended on you in every way. With my life. You held my self esteem in your hands and you crushed it. I was just a child. How could you treat me the way you did? Sorry I wasn't invisible enough for you. I really tried to be back then. And now you choose to see who I am and make up for lost time? I know you're trying but please forgive me if it's hard to trust you enough to take down the walls I built.

3. And you. You left me all alone with her. And never looked back. I've reached out to you several times since I've grown up trying to satisfy my curiosity about who you are and what the other half of me came from. You never made the effort to do the same. I'm not going to beg to be in your life. I'll do fine without you, I have so far. Just one question though ... Why didn't you want me?

4. Oh, little Girl. You make it all better. Your spirit is like a blanket that wraps around me when it's cold. You are the greatest gift and I would do it all over again a thousand times. I love how you see the world. It's beautiful through your eyes. You save me every day.

5. Thank you for every single time you helped me fight my battles. You scared off the enemy until I was old enough to do it myself. Thank you for worrying about me when no one else did. Thank you for your unconditional love and never ending guidance. You are truly the wind beneath my wings. Please don't leave this world yet, I'm not ready for you to go.

6. I have so much respect for you. You are a good person and you have a big heart and you're a hoot to hang with. Those children are so lucky to have you. They know that even if they don't acknowledge it often enough. Trust me. They still know.

7. YOU are a waist of air. I would like nothing more than 30 minutes in a sound proof room with you. If you EVER step foot within 5 miles of our home I will drag your happy ass back up our quarter mile gravel drive way by your hair, beat the holy fuck out of you and leave your crumpled ass lying by the street like road kill. Kindly, continue to leave us the hell alone. You have affected our lives ENOUGH. Oh, and stop breeding. You have no idea what it takes to be a mother and you never will.

8. Either you are extremely selfish and uncaring or you are the most ignorant man I have ever met. Knock your shit off and start being a father to your children. And learn how to pace yourself or put away the alcohol for good. You're an ass when you drink and being an Asshole EVERY day is a bit much. Grow the hell up and get a life or you're going to lose everything that's important to you. You know you've already lost me.

9. I miss you. I screwed up all those years ago and I can't seem to forget it. That final conversation plays over and over in my head like it was yesterday. You were right, I did love you. SO. MUCH. And I should have gone with you when you told me to. What I wouldn't give for a time machine and a little less pride. I love you always and I hope I see you again some day. But if I don't, thank you for being so good to me when we were together. I never knew that a man could make me feel so loved until I met you.

10. I have a special place for you in my heart. We were together for so long and we are connected now for life. You're a good man. And a good father. Don't let a woman come between you and our daughter. You have to spend time with her still. If you don't, you'll miss it. And she loves you so much. Please figure all this out before you do some real damage to your relationship with your daughter. I know you love her enough to do the right thing. We're waiting.

11. Please stop interfering in their relationship. You are messing with 2 lives. And you're new on this block so I'll spell it out for you. I ask nicely then I get involved. I've been very patient so far but lemme tell ya gurlie. You aint seen bitch 'til you mess with my daughter. You have very few chances left to become a decent human being before I help you out with that. Oh, and you'll get no back-up from her daddy on this one. I've known him for 17 years. He loves his daughter, don't force him to make a choice. You'll lose.

12. You and I have been through life together before. We have that connection like you always say. Even though you're far away, all I have to do is call and you clear the cobwebs. You are the woman I aspire to be like. You are great in every way and you keep pushing yourself to be better. Don't push so hard. Take time for you and acknowledge all that you've accomplished. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. You're amazing.

13. I love ya and all but you're too much of a slut. Tone it down a bit.

14. You SO suck! You could have had it all. You still can. You're so smart and you have no self- discipline to do anything with it. What a fucking waist. I love you and I'm rooting for you but you gotta get it together, girl. You are not living up to your full potential. But you've heard that before. Do something about it. Change your life. It's never too late to be what you always wanted to be. Decide and then do it.

15. I don't want to leave you but sometimes things don't work out and it has to be that way. Thank you for trusting me and letting me be part of your family. I wanted to be in your lives for a long time and I'm still not sure how we're gonna work that out when I leave. It'll be OK. It has nothing to do with you. I'm not leaving you. I'm leaving him. You did nothing wrong. I love you and I haven't left yet so please don't worry about it for now. I'm still here for you.