storm cloud
Damn, guys. I'm so sorry. I know it sucks so bad when I'm sad but I gotta get this out. I am sitting here.Tear and mascara streaked bawling my freakin eyes out.
I spent all of yesterday with my friend and his family. We were mourning the loss of his mother. He hadn't heard from her for a couple of days last week and when he went to check on her, he found her on her dead on her knees on her kitchen floor. She was in a pool of her own blood and had been gone for two days. Finding her like that traumatized him beyond belief. It still shows in his eyes.
She had lung cancer and the doctors had just started her on her chemotherapy treatments. I hurt so much for what he is going through and I spent the whole day (catholic service and then reception and family gathering) with him and his family listening to her favorite songs, remembering the good times with her, looking at pictures of her life and telling everyone how great it was that her kids were all together and how she would have liked that. It truly was a lovely tribute to her.
I set out that morning thinking "today is all about them and their loss and what I can do to make it a little easier for them to deal with. That's what a good friend does." All day it seemed that I was uncharacteristically gifted with saying just the right thing to make them all smile and feel better about her leaving this earth knowing that they did all that they could for her and showed her that she was loved. I was strong for them when they needed it. I feel like such a good person because I was able to give that to them when my life is such shit.
I was exhausted by the end of the day but still doing OK with all of it until I got home. Then it hit me. My grandma has lung cancer. We thought we beat it with chemotherapy and radiation a while ago. Now it may be back and they are running more tests. I can't get the comparison out of my head. If it has come back, is that the way she's going to go when it's her time? Choking on her own blood? Is she going to be gasping for her last breath and have it not be there? I picture her instead on the floor needing help and no one there to give it. I can't stop thinking of what my friend's mom's final moments must have been like. What an incredibly horrible way to go. It was horrible that she had to go through that and I don't want it to happen to my grandma too. I know that it's doesn't happen the same with everyone. But, it's hard not to think about it.
I'm not crying anymore now. I guess I was right to do something to get it out. Does anyone understand what I'm saying or am I just being overly paranoid? I really wanna know. .................... Ya know, maybe I don't. Maybe I just can't handle any more negatives right now. Maybe I'm tapped out. At least for today. Tell me off tomorrow for being paranoid. Seriously. I think I can handle it then. Just not yet.
I am going to end on a good note, though. I got the call today (while I was at the service reception) from the cell phone company. I am technically hired, even though my formal offer and finalization of employment won't happen until later this month, and I am scheduled to start in the training class on October 9th. It's a ways away, I know, but get this............ I told the gal I am moving and am going to try to get it done before I start to work there. She said the landlord could call her and she would be happy to verify that I am going to be employed by them. Do you know what that means????????? It means that I can start trying to rent a place AWAY from AH right frickin NOW. Did I mention that I moved my bed into the living room area two nights ago? NO? Well, I won't get into THAT story right now. In any case, I am one step closer to being stress free again. Yay me.
I spent all of yesterday with my friend and his family. We were mourning the loss of his mother. He hadn't heard from her for a couple of days last week and when he went to check on her, he found her on her dead on her knees on her kitchen floor. She was in a pool of her own blood and had been gone for two days. Finding her like that traumatized him beyond belief. It still shows in his eyes.
She had lung cancer and the doctors had just started her on her chemotherapy treatments. I hurt so much for what he is going through and I spent the whole day (catholic service and then reception and family gathering) with him and his family listening to her favorite songs, remembering the good times with her, looking at pictures of her life and telling everyone how great it was that her kids were all together and how she would have liked that. It truly was a lovely tribute to her.
I set out that morning thinking "today is all about them and their loss and what I can do to make it a little easier for them to deal with. That's what a good friend does." All day it seemed that I was uncharacteristically gifted with saying just the right thing to make them all smile and feel better about her leaving this earth knowing that they did all that they could for her and showed her that she was loved. I was strong for them when they needed it. I feel like such a good person because I was able to give that to them when my life is such shit.
I was exhausted by the end of the day but still doing OK with all of it until I got home. Then it hit me. My grandma has lung cancer. We thought we beat it with chemotherapy and radiation a while ago. Now it may be back and they are running more tests. I can't get the comparison out of my head. If it has come back, is that the way she's going to go when it's her time? Choking on her own blood? Is she going to be gasping for her last breath and have it not be there? I picture her instead on the floor needing help and no one there to give it. I can't stop thinking of what my friend's mom's final moments must have been like. What an incredibly horrible way to go. It was horrible that she had to go through that and I don't want it to happen to my grandma too. I know that it's doesn't happen the same with everyone. But, it's hard not to think about it.
I'm not crying anymore now. I guess I was right to do something to get it out. Does anyone understand what I'm saying or am I just being overly paranoid? I really wanna know. .................... Ya know, maybe I don't. Maybe I just can't handle any more negatives right now. Maybe I'm tapped out. At least for today. Tell me off tomorrow for being paranoid. Seriously. I think I can handle it then. Just not yet.
I am going to end on a good note, though. I got the call today (while I was at the service reception) from the cell phone company. I am technically hired, even though my formal offer and finalization of employment won't happen until later this month, and I am scheduled to start in the training class on October 9th. It's a ways away, I know, but get this............ I told the gal I am moving and am going to try to get it done before I start to work there. She said the landlord could call her and she would be happy to verify that I am going to be employed by them. Do you know what that means????????? It means that I can start trying to rent a place AWAY from AH right frickin NOW. Did I mention that I moved my bed into the living room area two nights ago? NO? Well, I won't get into THAT story right now. In any case, I am one step closer to being stress free again. Yay me.
posted by Sherri @ 5:46 AM
1 Comments:
At 8:52 AM,
Anonymous said…
By the end of the post, you sound much much better. Congratulations on the job and moving - that is WONDERFUL NEWS!!! I won't talk about the other until later, but know that I am thinking of you and sitting on the ready to reassure you your Grandma will be fine!
Did you know LOML moved a week and a half ago? It gets so much better when you can be alone and not deal with the bullshit that is a screwed up significant other! It will make so many things brighter!
Post a Comment
<< Home