He's not MY fighter

AH works 4 10hr days and has Mondays off. He had an eye appointment today at 3:30 and I went with him. It's his 3rd appointment with them because they screwed up the first two prescriptions. I TOLD him not to go to a place that does an eye exam for $9.95 but does he ever listen to me? NO! So he was in the back getting his 3rd exam and I was in the lobby when my cell rang showing an unknown #. I answered.

"Hello, is this Sherri?"

"May I ask who's calling?"

"Please, don't hang up but this is Fighter Boy's wife and I just wanted to ask you something."

*crickets chirping*

Then, with a cheery tone in my voice, "Oh, Hi!......Sure!......Go ahead!

"I'm not sure what my husband has told you but we are still together and I've learned recently that he may have been cheating on me and, woman to woman, I wanted to ask what's up with you two. I found out that he may have told you that we were not together anymore. Did you meet him the weekend that I was out of town? "

My whole heart went out to her and in that instant, I HATED men more than I ever have in my whole life.

She said he had been sneaking around to erase my # off their caller ID and when she asked him who I was, he lied and said he met me through his father. Then things weren't adding up and she found my cell phone # so she decided to call me and ask.

I assured her the best I could. I told her that I do know him, met him once and ran into him again another time and went with a group to Shari's for breakfast after being out. I told her that we do have each other's phone #s but there is nothing REALLY going on between us.

I could hear her sigh of relief.

Actually, there was more to it than that but I decided in that moment that it would do her no good to know that. Even though there is a VERY strong mutual attraction, we really have only seen each other twice so, technically, there really isn't anything serious going on between us. At least not yet. And I've been in her shoes, I know that some things women find out about their men hurt for a long time and I didn't want that for her. I know NOW to stay away from him because I don't homewreck and I think that's enough.

She asked if he had told me he was married. I told her the truth. It never came up and I had no reason to ask because I met him when he was out and his parents were there. I also told her that I was still with my boyfriend technically, even though we are almost broken up, so when I met him, I really wasn't in the market for another man.

AH came out of the eye clinic right about then so I told her why I had to quit the conversation for now but that I had her work # and if she wanted me to call her back, I would. She said yes and told me she appreciated me being willing to talk to her.

I really liked her from just the short conversation we had.

*sigh*

New Name Game: Group participation requested

I got this email from a friend the other day and thought I'd share so others can play too. I'd love to hear YOUR new names. Go ahead and put them in the comments if you want to. Example: according to this, my new name is Crusty Pottylips (it couldn't get worse than that) and my daughter is Sloopy Dippinfanny. Have fun! ~ Sherri

"The following is excerpted from a children's book, Captain Underpants And the Perilous Plot Professor Poopypants, by Dave Pilkey, in which the evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names..."

1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your New first name:
a = snickle
b = doombah
c = goober
d = cheesey
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = dumbo
h = farcus
i = dorky
j = doofus
k = funky
l = boobie
m = sleezy
n = sloopy
o = fluffy
p = stinky
q = slimy
r = dorfus
s = snooty
t = tootsie
u = dipsy
v = sneezy
w = liver
x = skippy
y = dinky
z = zippy

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:
a = dippin
b = feather
c = batty
d = burger
e = chicken
f = barffy
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = farkle
j = monkey
k = flippin
l = fricken
m = bubble
n = rhino
o = potty
p = hamster
q = buckle
r = gizzard
s = lickin
t = snickle
u = chuckle
v = pickle
w = hubble
x = dingle
y = gorilla
z = girdle

3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:
a = butt
b = boob
c = face
d = nose
e = hump
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = head
l = tush
m = chunks
n = dunkin
o = brains
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = doodle
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = frack
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = hiney
z = juice

George W. Bush's new name is: Fluffy Chucklefanny.

EDIT: My 13 year old daughter is home sick today and she and I were just wondering. What do you think it would be like if, when I went to register her for High School, we used our new names. "Hi, I need to register my daughter for school. Her name? Yes, it's Sloopy....Last Name, Dippenfanny..D.I.P.P.E.N.fanny. Oh, of course....My Name is Crusty .....Pottylips. What? Could I repeat that? Yes, Crusty POTTYLIPS." Ewwwwwww...........

Wildlife Post

I went out with my friend on Thursday for Karaoke and Ladies Night ($1.00 beers and $2.00 well drinks, 9 to midnight).

If it wasn't a full moon that night, it was damn close to it and my friend and I started on the well tequila and crans at 9:01. I usually drink only Sauza Tequila and Cran but for $2.00, is a girl supposed to pass THAT up?

So, I spent all of Friday (the next day) with the hang over from hell. I usually don't have one so hurling the whole day after is new to me. I called my friend about 3:00 pm and she was hosing off the deck where she puked also. NO MORE WELL TEQUILA for these girls. EVERRRRRRR!!! I will be loyal to my darling Sauza Tequila and I will never stray again. I don't care if it costs a little more. It is WELL worth it. (get it? WELL worth it)

I was sitting on the couch about 5:00 on hangoverfromhellday, at least I was finally upright, and the kids came bursting in saying something about baby birds falling in the shop. I yelled for them not to touch the birds and scrambled for my flip flops and ran down there. There were 2 baby birds, obviously newborns, laying huddled together on the concrete. So sad. One of them wasn't breathing but the other was still alive. I scooped them both up with an old hand towel, put them in a box and headed up to the house to make some calls. I snapped the picture below while I was on hold.



The Humane Society (local Animal Shelter) gave me the name of Turtle Ridge Wildlife Center and as luck would have it, they were less than a mile a way. I arrived there in less than ten minutes with my daughter and step-daughter and the baby birds.

They had lots of wild animals there including a pack of 6 baby racoons. The look on Jenna's face was priceless. I asked the lady there if they have any need for a 13 year old female volunteer. My daughter's face lit up again. She's the animal whisperer and wants to be a Vet when she grows up and I told the lady so.

She gave us the website address so we can fill out the volunteer application. What a sad event that turned into a good thing. Life happens that way. It's fate sometimes. I TRULY believe that.

The letter H

Laurie has another group participation thing going on and I'm such a fan so I wanted to play too. She assigned a letter to whoever asked and they're supposed to list the first ten words that come to mind and say what they mean to you. She gave me "H" so here goes:

Hideous - My mom uses this word ALL THE TIME and I keep telling her that no one says it anymore.

Hypocrite - My friend who lost her license 9 months ago from a DUII. She called me to see if I wanted to pick her up to go out last weekend (and drive her home) and then today tells me she's offended that I have driven home after I've been drinking. *Drinking and driving is NOT ok. I am IN NO WAY condoning it. I'm just talking about my hypocrite friend who seems to think it was OK for her to do it prior to her DUII or for her friend to do it if it's HER DRUNK ASS that's getting a ride home.

Head - Uh......as in Hat........Yeah, that's it. (pull your minds OUT people)

Hercules - "No, honey. You mean HUNKules". (Disney Movie)

Hero - "Holding Out for a Hero" Bonnie Tyler

Where have all the good men gone
And where are all the gods?
Where's the street-wise HerculesTo fight the rising odds?
Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed?
Late at night I toss and turn and dream of what I need

I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night
He's gotta be strong
And he's gotta fast
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight
I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light
He's gotta be sure
And it's gotta soon
And he's gotta be larger than life

Somewhere after midnight
In my wildest fantasy
Somewhere just beyond my reach
There's someone reaching back for me
Racing on the thunder and rising with the heat
It's gonna take a superman to sweep me off feet

(chorus)

Up where the mountains meet the heavens above
Out where the lightning splits the sea
I would swear that there's someone somewhere
Watching me

Through the wind and the chill and the rain
And the storm and the flood
I can feel his approach
Like the fire in my blood

(chorus)

Hell - "Hell, thy name is Dani." Quote from CP. I agree with CP and I think Dani might be secretly on Satan's side.

Hag - The college instructor who made me cry and is now affectionately known as the Computer Hag because she taught computer classes.

Hooker - World's oldest profession

Holy - As in Shit. Holy Shit. Don't act like you don't say it too.

Hairless - Laurie's coochie.

Bonus: Warning- Sexual content. Read no further if you are under 18 years of age.

hump, hussy, hot, head, harness, hole, handcuffs, hymen, ho, hummer, hooters, headache, horny, hoochie, hung & horizontal

Oh, and feel free to add any I forgot in the comments.

Mini the kitty

We

keep getting

these holes

in our screen door.

It's like

the damn thing

is falling apart

or something.

Then

I walk out

of the bedroom today

and see THIS.

Hmmm,

I wonder

what could

have been

causing it?

Dolphin Worship

Waterproof Dancing Dolphin

Those of you who read the last post know that I recently lost someone very important to me. My little blue dolphin. I think it's true what they say, you never really know how much something meant to you until it's gone. That's why you should say what needs to be said while they are here with you. So, I'm shoutin' it out.

Seriously though, ladies, if you don't have one of these, GO GET ONE. They are only $16.00 (plus whatever shipping is) and you will not regret it. Gentlemen, if your ladies don't have one, GO GET ONE. And don't buy an off brand, seams just like it, knock off. Believe me, there is a definite difference. I know because I went adult store hopping and tried several similar ones after my dolphin was maid-toynapped. The other ones don't cut it. This is the EXACT one you want. I have NO affiliation with any kind of sex toy company, I swear. I am only trying to spread the word of a VERY good thing.

Ladies, whether alone or with your partner, this will get you there. It is a VERY powerful clit stimulator. I you're having any trouble getting where you wanna go during sex, just put the tip of the dolphin in the magic spot and your troubles are over. I wouldn't lie to ya. Here's the link of one spot I found it on Passion Parties

EDIT: BTW, It also fits very nicely into the sunglasses case in your purse. But if it accidently turns on while you're in the elevator at work, think quick and blame it on your cell phone. Uh.....Not....that...it happened to me or anything.

Poor Toys

My parents bought into a resort time share thing years back and, since I'm immediate family, I get a great deal when I stay there. There are several resort locations along the Oregon Coast where we like to stay and one weekend AH and I headed over to Seaside. We had booked a 2 bedroom for Friday night and a 3 bedroom for Saturday so we also invited my friend to come along.

When we got into town, we stopped at the local grocery store for some shish kabob makings for dinner and breakfast food for the morning and stocked up on tequila and mixers from the local liquor store. When we got to the resort, we checked into our unit, unpacked and put away our things, mixed up some drinks and fired up the grill on the patio for the shish kabobs. After dinner, we put on our suits and with our drinks in hand, went down to take advantage of the heated pools and hot tubs. My friend and I really wanted to find a night club after that to go dancing at but by then AH was in no shape to go out so we played some pool in the rec room and called it a relatively early night. It was OK though, we still had Saturday night to look forward to.

The next morning we ate breakfast, packed up all our stuff and checked out by noon. We couldn't check back into the other unit until 4:00 so we walked around Seaside for a while and then spent some time on the beach. A hail storm blew in around 3:00 and chased us off the beach so we stopped into a nearby clothing store for shelter and I bought myself a purse. The whole afternoon, I had this funny feeling that something was wrong. I figured it was just the weird feeling of being away from home and tried to relax.

After 4:00, we checked back in and unpacked AGAIN for the night and my friend and I convinced AH to go out dancing. We found a great night club 2 blocks from the resort and headed out for the evening all decked out. 10 minutes after we got there, AH decided he didn't want to be there, so he bailed on us and walked back all by himself. My friend and I stayed. Screw him, we decided, we were going to have some fun on our last night there. They had a good band and we danced for a while until the storm knocked the power out and the whole club went dark. The club staff made the best of it, though, and brought out candles. The band started up again playing and singing (unplugged) and asked the audience for requests. The rest of us kept dancing while everyone else sang along. The power did come back on for awhile but then went out again. By that time, a very conservatively dressed and highly intoxicated young Russian girl had made her way up onto the stage and was gyrating and singing to LIKE A VIRGIN. Apparently, it was her bachelorette party and, lemme tell ya, she was having a great old time. We met another group of girls who were also from out of town and we ended up having a pretty fun night.

My friend and I pretty much closed down the place and stumbled the two blocks back to the resort. I was back in our unit and ready to go to bed somewhere around 3:00 am and that's when it hit me.......OMFG!!! I left my toys in the night stand of the unit we stayed in the night before. By toys I mean, TOYS. Hey, I was on vacation and sometimes AH and I get a little freaky when we're out of town and drinking and my friend DID have her own room so we had TOTAL privacy and I'm not gonna explain anymore 'cus I'm just not and I don't have to. ANYWAY, I had been in a hurry when I was packing for the trip, so I had just quickly grabbed my small carry all where I keep several things. In it was my Rabbit Pearl, my Dancing Dolphin (ladies, if you don't have one, go GET one, TRUST ME), a brand new bottle of Eros lube and my back up supply of AA batteries. And I had left them ALL in the night stand of the unit we stayed in the night before.

First, I imagined some innocent old couple or worse, a child, opening the drawer to reach for the phone book and finding my little naughty bag of tricks. I was horrified. As I thought it through, I hoped that the maids had found them first before anyone else checked in. I hoped and prayed. Then it occurred to me that if the maids did find them, the resort might attempt to return my belongings to me in which case they would be sent to the address on file. That would be my parents house since they are the owners. That would be GREAT. Or maybe they would even call them first. Either way, I decided that I had to do SOMETHING. QUICK. We were supposed to check out at noon which now was only 9 hours away.

So, smashed on tequila, and in the middle of the night, I called down to the front desk to explain the situation. Imagine me slurring as I gave the description of the items that I had lost. I gotta give them some credit. The young lady I talked to was very nice and assured me "not to worry, it happens ALL the time" Me: "that's very kind of you to say, but I'll bet it doesn't". She also assured me that anything left behind would surely have been found by housekeeping and she would check on it (with the utmost discretion) and call me back.

I woke up on the couch in the living room , by the phone, at 11:40. (20 minutes until check out time) I woke AH and my friend so they could start packing up as I called back down to the front desk. The night crew had gone home and left no information for me so I got to explain it all to ANOTHER young lady all over again. She checked with housekeeping and told me that my toys had been found by housekeeping and disposed of for the safety of the staff. I asked if she was sure and at that moment felt sorrow for my loss. I thanked her for checking on it for me and then accepted that at least they weren't discovered by other guests or sent to my parents house. AH and my friend laughed at me the whole way home. Meanies. That was over $150.00 worth of good times. Oh, the good times we had together. GONE Forever.

Everything has since been replaced and time is gradually fading my embarrassment but I do still wonder about something. They said they were "disposed of" but were they REALLY? What if somewhere in Seaside, some crack ho maid is molesting herself with my poor defenseless little toys? It's just too painful for me to wonder about and the visuals give me nightmares so I try not to think about it.

And I think I should wait a while longer before I stay at the Seaside resort again. I mean, what if I spent my whole trip giving the housekeeping staff the evil eye trying to figure out who looks shady enough to be the kidnapper of my toys. That wouldn't be a fun trip. Or what if, during my stay there, I was walking down the hall and heard a buzzing sound from one of the rooms and busted the door down trying to reunite with my long lost Roger Rabbit (the Rabbit Pearl) only to find just an old naked guy standing there with a beard trimmer? That wouldn't be good either. I definitely think it would be better if I give it some more time.

Close the window before you go

Guess what happened today....
I was at my computer reading Beauty and the Beer and rather than pee my pants from laughing, I made a run for the master bathroom to relieve myself. Our bathroom window is positioned parallel to the toilet and happened to be open. I took a seat and heard my daughter yell from the other room, "Mom, someone's here in a white truck and they're going around back." We rent a place on 11 acres and the owner had some surveyers out here yesterday so I figured it was the same guys that would be driving to the back end of the property to take some more measurements. "That's probably OK," I yell back from my perch on the throne. Just as said that, I heard the crunching sound of boots on gravel coming up MY side of the house. I looked up and out the window and made eye contact with the cute PGE (our electric company) guy who was attempting to read the meter. I FLEW off the pot, clutching my underwear and shorts with one hand and and slammed the window shut with the other. My daughter appeared in the doorway right about then and with a giggle said "I tried to tell you". "That was nice. Uh, you didn't say he was on foot and coming around THIS side of the house." I guess she got a good laugh out of it at least and I will no longer pee during the day with the window open.

Coffee Maker Neglect and Guest Abuse

Public Service request:

I'm pretty sure that most households have a coffee maker. And most of us who own them, know how to operate them. I'm not sure how other people do it in their household but I like to CLEAN mine once in a while. The coffee pot gets rinsed out after every pot that's brewed and washed with soapy water at least every few times. Some of you might wonder where I'm going with this because you probably do just as well at that part, or even better, but that's not what concerns me. It's the OTHER parts that need to be cleaned that are being neglected.

I was recently at a friends house who offered me a cup of coffee. While she washed out the coffee pot in the sink, I started to put a new filter and scoop of coffee grounds in the top. The compartment was absolutely disgusting. I gently (so not to cause offense) asked her for her wash cloth and cleaned it out the best I could before loading it up again. After that, I watched as she opened the lid on the back and started to pour water in.

OMG! My beautiful, sweet, intelligent, wonderful friend, who keeps her house spotlessly clean, was going to pour water into THERE and make coffee out of it to serve it to me? her guest? If it hadn't been clear that she saw nothing wrong with it and was going to have a cup herself, I would have wondered what I had done to deserve such treatment. Fortunately, I came along to educate her and save this tragedy from happening. She took the criticism well and admitted that it probably hadn't been cleaned all year. After some scrubbing and more scrubbing and 2 run throughs with vinegar water and then clear water, her coffee pot was ready to go.

She laughed at herself as she enjoyed the 1st cup and said that it even tasted better. Yes, honey, that's because it was made with water that didn't have stagnant water pond scum floaties in it. Ewwwwwww!!! I am serious, people, if you have not taken a look lately to the back section of your coffee pot before (or after) you dump the water in or you have not cleaned out the section that holds the filter and coffee grounds, please, PLEASE do one of three things. Either throw that bitch out and buy another coffee maker, pay some serious attention to cleaning it and run some vinegar water through it afterward to get to the stuff on the inside too or hang a sign over the coffee maker with a disclaimer so your guests are at least informed of what they are about to consume. This is your DUTY as a host or hostess.

As for me, I almost had to learn my lesson the hard way and from now on will sneak-a-peek before I say "Yes, I'd love a cup" because you just never know.