I'm dying to tell somebody

My friend just started cocktail waitressing at the local bar/club I go to. She called me before she went in to work tonight and asked me to come down and give her moral support. I told her maybe and settled in on the couch to watch TV. I watched a movie or two and then decided, what the hell, I could use a drink. So I put on some makeup, changed my clothes and took off. I got there at about 11:30.

I'd been at the bar for about 15 minutes when I turned to see someone smiling at me. It was this guy I have had a crush on for years. We had seen each other off and on in the past and have been just friends since then because he got a girlfriend and I was seeing AH. I never got over my crush on him though and when he disappeared about a year and a half ago I was very sad. I asked several people where he went and no one knew. The best guesses were that he was working on a fishing boat in Alaska or had joined the military.

He is a tall stocky boy in his late 20s (can't remember his exact age) and is cute as hell. Muscles and dimples. Damn. And from what I remember from years ago, everything else is extra nice too. *wink* He sat down beside me and told me he has been in Texas for a job but has been transferred back here and is staying for good. He is VERY affectionate and was happy to see me.

As he was giving me about my tenth hug and kiss on the forehead, I looked up and caught the eye of another guy standing right across from us. It was Fighter Boy. Oh hell. He made it obvious for the rest of the evening that he was watching us but, thank G, never came over and said anything. My friend is about 6'4" and about 250 lbs but Fighter Boy is too and, well, is a cage fighter. Remember him? I would have hated to see the two of them get into it. I'm glad he was content with just giving me the "what the hell are you doing with another guy" look. Hey, Fighter Boy, maybe you shouldn't be jealous because it turned out that you're MARRIED, remember???? Anyway, my friend ended up getting a little tipsy by the end of the night so I offered him a ride home. He had been at a friend's BBQ drinking before he even got to the bar and really was in no shape to drive. When we got to his house, he wanted me to stay the night. I told him I was just dropping him off and going home. We compromised and settled for cuddling on the couch and watching a movie. Don't ask me what the movie was about because we both fell asleep. I got home at 5:00 am just as AH was leaving for work.

AH would shit if he knew who I was with. He saw my friend at the bar once when we first met and said "Look at the arms on that guy. I wouldn't wanna be hit by him". I told him soon after that I had sort of been seeing the guy with the big arms and he still brings his name up sometimes when we fight. I'm tempted to tell him this time too but I didn't really do anything bad and why bring my friend into our problems. AH wouldn't believe that I didn't sleep with him anyway. He thinks everyone has the same morals as he does and would screw anyone at anytime. Not that this boy isn't screwable. Believe me, cuddling and holding hands felt nice and I am very attention starved right now. I'll admit that I was more than tempted. I think I should get a prize for walking away from that shit, seriously.

My friend has my cell phone # and might be calling me later today to go get his car from the bar. That was the deal I made with him to get him not to drive drunk. I'm such a good deed doer. With no ulterior motives what so ever. I mean, it's not like I wanna see him again soon or anything. *cough*bullshit*cough. Ok, maybe I'd like some more hugs. He's VERY huggable. My face fits right under his chin and into his neck and his big arms wrap around me very nicely. He makes me feel safe and secure and when he kisses me on the forehead it makes me feel special.

Don't be saying I sound like a sixth grader with a crush. I don't. And I am not thinking of him every second right now, I don't have a silly ass grin on my face, I'm not all dreamy eyed and I do not keep smelling my shirt because it smells like his cologne. Don't think I'm doing that shit.

Mmmmmmmm. Damn. I'll never wash this shirt again. I really, really, really need to get this job. Moving into my own place just became a WAY more urgent matter.

shit molecules

I wanna explain myself on the "farting anywhere near my food" thing. (See # 22 two posts down) I feel I am doing a public service on this one much like I was here.

When someone farts, air that has been mixed with shit blows forcefully out of their ass. That air carries "shit molecules" or tiny particles of shit and distributes them out into the room. The reason you can smell a fart is because you have breathed in those shit molecules through your nose and/or your mouth. The more the stink, the higher the concentration.

I happen to have a problem with shit out of someone else's ass traveling through my nose or my mouth and sticking to the inside of my lungs. I think it's rude. And once it's there, how is it supposed to get out? Does it come out when I cough? Is that why some people's breath smells like shit? Or maybe it can't get out. Maybe it's stuck there until it gets absorbed with the oxygen into the blood supply and winds up somewhere else. Maybe that's why some people have shit for brains. If you live with someone who farts constantly near you, it could be a serious health hazard. How many stupid, bad breathed people are out there suffering from second hand shit without even knowing it?

And people who fart in the kitchen are just disgusting. Absolutely, shame on you, you fucking disgusting pig, disgusting. THAT'S WHERE THE FOOD IS, PEOPLE. Do you really think it's OK to let your shit molecules fly around the room and land on my sandwich? Even if I can't taste it, I don't think I should have to redigest someone else fecal matter. It's redundant.

Edit: What a coincidence, Winnie the POOH just came on TV. No shit. I don't like him either and his donkey needs Prozac.

My interview went well and THANK YOU

I had my interview today at 12:30. It's with a cell phone company as a customer service rep. Not exactly the amount of pay I would hope for but I would get a raise in 90 days and the job, from what I've seen, would be a cake walk compared to being a Revenue Agent (what I did for the last for 6 years). I also heard that it's very easy to move up to a higher position there relatively quickly because they reward you on performance and not seniority. A stress free work environment and feeling free to be helpful and pleasant sounds nice too. This was the final step of their 11 million step hiring process that I started on a month ago. I'm supposed to hear from them in 3 to 5 days on whether I got the job or not. It's gonna be a long week. I thought my horoscope for today was interesting. It said .....

"Keep focused on what's important. Larger influences are bringing your big picture into focus. The universe is setting up the perfect solution, you just have to make sure you're able to recognize and act when it does."

Sounds promising, right?

I did a great job in the interview too. If I don't get hired it will be for some other reason. I was poised, smiling, confident and had great examples for each of their questions. (and no, I didn't wear a low cut top, although they were boys in their late 20s and it might have helped) I was easy going and professional. I could tell by their reactions to my answers that I NAILED it. They were impressed. Yay me.

I really, REALLY wanna say something too. There are some people who comment on this blog who are the nicest people I have never met.

I am having a really hard time right now. In my near future I am facing changes in my love life, my home, my family, my work and my finances. I am sad, I am pissed and I am scared. Changing just one of those is tough but all at the same time is fucking terrifying. I have been doing nothing but bitching, cussing, complaining and feeling sorry for myself on this blog and I would expect people to be really sick of it by now and stop coming by. Instead, when things get tougher and I bitch harder to let it out, these amazing people leave a comment or two and give me words of encouragement, make me laugh and show they care. I even got a couple of ecards saying Happy Birthday (made me cry, BTW). Not quite the emotional abandonment I have become used to the last couple of years. You have no idea what that does for my quality of life right now. I just needed to say that.

Edit: I just got an email back from American Idol. They said the age range is 16-28. I checked because I couldn't find the info on their web site and I was seriously going to go to Seattle and audition on the 19th. I guess I won't have to make the trip (4 hrs) after all. They need to change that shit in my opinion. Oh, well. I'm sure a career at a cell phone company will be just as rewarding.

Edit # 2: Quote of the day: "Mom, LOOK! It's the Dipsy Chicks"

50 Things that annoy me

1. when Blogger won't let me load a photo (like the last 7 fucking times I just tried to). Free piece of shit.

2. ceiling fans

3. when someone calls my home phone and then, without giving me time to get to it, immediately calls my cell phone

4. children who make high pitched screeching noises

5. people who blow their nose in public

6. people who talk nonstop when I'm trying to watch a movie

7. someone who turns the heat down at night so I wake up to a cold house

8. when I ask the waiter for no rice and they put it on my plate anyway (looks like maggots)

9. watching the news

10. people who call me to talk and then talk to someone else in the room at their house

11. when the batteries run low in my vibrator

12. drunk idiots who interrupt me every 5 seconds when I'm trying to write a post to talk to me about their truck

13. not cleaning the crumbs off the counter after making a sandwich

14. people who drive their cars up my ass when they can see that I have kids in the car with me (good thing there's no gun in the glove box)

15. bad pick up lines from short men

16. people who ask themselves questions and then answer them. "Was I mad?....... Yes." "Am I going to do anything about it?....... No."

17. cheap people

18. commercials that have half naked women in them for no fucking reason related to the product

19. drunk assholes who lean forward and drool all over themselves whenever those commercials come on

20. yellow jackets buzzing around my head when I'm trying to get my grill on

21. people who have a social event at their house and don't have enough toilet paper or any air freshener in their bathroom

22. people who fart anywhere near my food (shit molecules)

23. people who don't take enough pictures of their children

24. morning people

25. fat welfare ladies with ten screaming kids who block the grocery isle with their cart

26. bras

27. yard work of ANY kind

28. people who get a dog and leave it chained in the back yard

29. men who wear hiking boots with shorts

30. people who let their kids run around in a store or play under the clothes racks

31. people who use a shitty childhood as an excuse for everything

32. people who tell you something, then say "in other words" and then tell you the same thing in a different way. Quit wasting my fucking time.

33. people who piss me off and then tell me to calm down

34. people who are envious and bitter about successful people while they do nothing themselves to succeed

35. people who don't watch their cigarette smoke and let it blow in your face (I smoke too sometimes and there is a way to control that shit)

36. stupid people

37. calling a company and being on hold for 20 minutes just to talk to someone who doesn't speak English

38. mint green

39. when someone is sitting in MY SPOT on the couch

40. when people expect me to share the food on my plate. I'll make you your own but back the fuck up off of mine.

41. little dicks

42. not being able to kick the shit out of someone who needs it without getting an assault charge

43. when I'm out of Qtips

44. politics (of any kind)

45. large floral prints

46. that you can't buy Ranch dressing in a bottle that tastes like the packet kind

47. drivers who don't know how to merge correctly

48. shitty parents

49. water chestnuts in my stir fry

50. addicts (any kind)

Damn, that was too easy. I could have done 150. Seriously.

Edit: Quote of the day "I will allow you to eat tomatoes out of my cat's ass."

He asked for it.

I wanted to share some of my new photoshop skills. BTW, thanks Paula! I hesitated to share this one because ......... well ........ That is AH's actual face that's photoshopped on this cartoon image (I made it from a photo of him) but after his lack of consideration to me lately, who the fuck cares. I felt the need to lighten the mood after the bitch session I just threw down.

Mother Fucking Asshole

I'm fucking pissed. I don't mean to beat this Birthday thing to death but, Asshole and I finally had a conversation about it. It appears that he had a perfectly good explanation for not getting me a present, cake, candles and having the kids make cards. He said he had no money.

I guess I can understand that. Except, that he came home with groceries that day. Now, I know he and the kids have to eat (we keep our food separate, whole 'nother story) and I would rather that they have food than for me to have a present, of course. I would never expect him to do otherwise, if that were the case.

What's not making it an OK excuse for me is that he also had a case of beer with his purchases that day. Which, by the way, was gone in two days as usual. (Meaning he chose beer over doing something nice for me) He also bought more beer on Friday and came home with a bottle of tequila and even more beer tonight. It still hasn't been his payday yet. Gee .... I thought he had no money. Then his kids tell me today about all the money he's been spending on this and that over the weekend while they were running around town with him.

So, I finally mentioned to him tonight that at least SOME effort on his part for my Birthday would have been nice. He's stupid. If he wanted me to buy the "no money" excuse, then he should have tried harder not to spend so much of it in front of me since then.

His response? This is what he had to say. He slurred it, too ..... "I didn't get a birthday because he had to loan me my $73.00 share of the electric bill this month".

Mother

Fucker

Cock

Sucking

Son of a

Fucking

Bitch

From

Motherfucking

Hell

Let me just go muthafuckin OFF for a minute.

The first year we lived together, I carried his ass on his half of the rent for 7-10 days every fucking month.

Lets go back further. When Children Services called him 4 years ago and asked him if he wanted custody of his kids, he was living in my apartment with me because of his stupid ass gambling problem. THEN .... after I told him to go pick up his children, they ALL stayed with me and Jenna in our two bedroom apartment for several months. My furniture that was once new was destroyed by children who, at the time, had no discipline. But I dealt with the invasion of space until he could rent a duplex for them. I made room for them in my home and in my life.

For the first few months of him having them, it was straight out of hell. He didn't know how to deal with them but I helped him when he asked me to and found patience over the next year that I never new I had. I ran out into the parking lot after his 6 year old son every time he threw a fit and tried to get himself hit by a car (intentionally). I taught his 5 year old daughter that food was OK to eat and that carrots won't make you fat. I told her she was beautiful every day because her hair was growing back from when her mom shaved her head when she was drunk to get rid of a case of lice. I flushed the toilet for her in public restrooms because she was afraid of them and I forgave his son after he shredded my custom window panels when he was in time-out. I showed him that it was ok to give and receive affection and to not be afraid of his own bowel movement.

I also dealt with the in-and-out-of-jail, child-neglecter, X-Wife from mother fucking HELL and refrained from beating her ass for her stupidity on several occasions over the next 2 years. Then, when she fled the state, I gave her kids a new mom when they didn't have one. I stayed up with his daughter for days while she was recovering from surgery and cleaned up puke when his son had the flu. When the kid down the road threw rocks at them, it was ME who showed up, kids in tow, at that little shit's door step and had a talk with is parents.

I have done the best I can to provide for them emotionally and materially. Every stitch of clothing AH and his kids have had over the last 4 years was provided by me. AH didn't have a clue how to do those things and I didn't mind at the time. I wanted to be in their lives and there for them. If they needed it, I gave it. That's what a Mom does. And he wants to fuck my special day up over owing him $73.00 for a month for my half of our electric bill.

If it weren't for my cats and having no where to take them, I would have had my and Jenna's shit packed and been out of here tonight. Job or not. I would have went to Grandma's or Mom's or one of my 3 friends who have spare rooms. Fuck. FUCK!!!!! I feel trapped and really fucked over right now.
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(taking 10 deep breaths)
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I have an interview Tuesday. I REALLY need to get a job soon. As soon as I have a job, I can rent a place and move but I can't rent a place without a source of income. No place would rent to me. Even though I have excellent rental references and my Mom would co-sign. I simply don't have an option without a job.

I'm not asking anyone to feel sorry for me. I got myself into this and I'll get myself out. I just needed to vent to keep from exploding. But, anyone who wants to cross their fingers on Tuesday around 12:30 (PST) and wish me luck on my interview, I'll take all I can get. Maybe the next post will have some good news for a change. I'm tired of hearing myself bitch.

Violence

Birthday update

My fucked up birthday went from bad to worse.

I talked to my little brother, checked all my internet job connections for new listings for several hours and then chatted over the Instant Messenger with my friend, Paula, for a while. AH had left several hours before with his kids not telling me where he was going. Thinking that he is doing last minute shopping for a cake and a present for me (as usual) I waited here instead of going to my mom's and picking up the gift certificate and taking Jenna to dinner. I didn't want to disappoint AH's kids if they had planned a small celebration for me so I figured I'd better stay here.

AH got home a little after 6:00 pm with bags of groceries. I thought there might be a cake and a present in there for me, maybe. I waited at my computer for another hour and nothing happened. Groceries got put away and he propped himself on the couch with a beer and settled in for watching TV. The more I thought about it, the more hurt I got. I ALWAYS make sure there has at least been a cake and ice cream and candles for him to blow out. I invite his brother and sister in law over to sing happy birthday to him with his kids. I have the kids make him cards and I always give him a present. No matter how badly we are getting along. It's a BIRTHDAY for fucks sake. I went to my room and laid down and cried. I cried myself right into a migraine.

I finally fell asleep just to wake back up around 11:00 pm to AH sitting at the end of the bed, scraping his spoon on the bottom of a bowl of soup and watching sports. I asked why he was in the room. He turned around and slurred at me that the kids were watching a show in the living room that he didn't want to watch. I was speechless. All I wanted at that point was to be left in my room in peace to cry and sleep the rest of my birthday away and he was even ruining that. In a blind, poor fucking me, nobody gives a shit, rage, I grabbed my pillow and blanket and started crying again as I made my way into my daughters room telling her on the way that I was going to lay on her bed for a while. She came in about 15 minutes later to tell me that the kids had turned off their movie and AH was back in the living room so I could go back into my room now. I woke up again at 1:00 am. AH was passed out on the couch. I left him there and went back to bed thinking "thank God it's over and that had to have been the shittiest birthday EVER".

Then for some reason, a picture of a bum under a bridge came into my mind (seriously, it did)and I thought about someone who has no family and no roof over their head and was eating out of trash cans and I wondered what their birthdays must be like. I felt very ashamed of myself. I expected common courtesy from someone who I already know has none and when he let me down like he always does, I let him ruin my day. I could have decided to make it better even at that point and instead I had a huge pity party, worked myself up into being ill and crying all night. I probably made my daughter feel sad for me too. What a big baby. I don't know which was worse. How much I didn't feel loved or the pathetic way I reacted to it.

I decided that I'm planning my own party next year if I want one. With all of my friends and no assholes. I'm gonna drink me some tequila. I'm going to wear a stupid hat and blow on noise makers, get all hoochied mamad out and hire a stripper or five. The good looking ones. Not the Fabio lookalike freaks that need bags over their heads. Pretty boys in uniforms maybe. Let's see ..... how about a sailor (gotta love marines), a cop with big old ... uhh ... gun, a fireman, a ranch raised cowboy in a white T-shirt, black hat and Levi's and a nice big muscley blue-eyed brunette in a suit of armor to ride off on his horse with me into the sunset. That'd work for me.

Happy Birthday to me.

Today is my Birthday. Yay. I'm 35 years old. This sooooooo sucks ass. I'm really hung over. I drank about a gallon of boxed wine with AH's sister-in-law (also my good friend) last night and then remembered that I hadn't eaten all day. So, Drunk Me came home and ate two whole Totino's pizzas all by myself. Then went to bed. Not the greatest idea.

On the job thing, I have an interview on Tuesday for a job that pays $2.00 per hour less than the one I quit. It's just going to have to work for now until I get something better. I'm also applying for a corrections officer job. The pay would be adequate and I enjoy shift work. Their hiring process takes about six weeks though so I won't know about that one for a while. I can TOTALLY see myself doing that and most people who know me well say the same thing. I guess I put off a "don't fuck with me" vibe or some shit, I don't know. My head hurts.

AH is off work today and tomorrow. Shhhhhh.....don't tell anyone but he was suspended from work yesterday for two days without pay. He didn't wake up until 45 minutes after he was supposed to be at work. They told him he'll be fired the next time. He thinks they're out to get him. I think he's right but I don't blame them. He keeps screwing up. He decided one day to take his company truck (semi) off his route and to his bank and took out a HUGE light pole in the bank parking lot. Also, the big bosses from out of town showed up at one of his accounts one day and he was sitting there, with his uniform shirt all unbuttoned and untucked, playing video poker. He wears shorts to work, when he's not supposed to, with hiking boots and a ratty old baseball hat from home. I could go on and on but you get the general idea. Just more of his usual charming self. Yeh, I can't imagine why they haven't given him that promotion he's been wanting. BTW, I just asked him if I can kick his ass for my birthday present. He's thinking on it.

What DO I want for my birthday?????? I haven't really thought about it. My mom is out of town and left me a $50.00 gift certificate to go have dinner at the Red Lobster. I think I'll take my daughter. She'd like that and she's good company.

She went camping with her dad and his she-bitch wife, Pristie, Monday night. When she got home yesterday, she told me that Pristie was being all nice to her and that she was trying to be her friend now. She also said she was asking a lot of questions about me. Am I working now or still in school, when I will be working and where .... that kind of thing. It only took a few minutes for my daughter to come to the conclusion that she had only been nice to her to find out information about me. They are pissed about the amount of child support he pays me. Long story. Short version is that I told him I wouldn't have it reviewed any more for increases and he asked Support Enforcement to review it anyway because he thought it would go down. It went up $120.00/month and they've been pissed at me for it ever since then. They told my daughter that I was trying to take all his money and that I had asked for the review. I got a copy of his written request and showed it to her. Dumbass. So, he's dropped the matter but she can't seem to let it go and keeps trying to get my daughter in the middle of it. It pisses me off. I called her yesterday and told her that all she's doing is proving that she can't be nice to Jenna without getting something out of it and that her behavior with my child sucks. She hung up on me. Wimp. Whatever, I got my point across. She'd better get her shit together, though or she's gonna open her front door one day and find me flying in and choking the stuffing outa her.

More violent thoughts ...... hmmmm ...... maybe I should see someone about that. Or maybe people just need to put less effort into being so shitty and try being actual decent, kind and thoughtful human beings who don't make me or my daughter cry. Just a thought.



Edit: My little brother just called me to wish me Happy Birthday. What a sweetheart. He said I sounded depressed. I told him I was sortof bummed out today. I need a job and I'm old. He asked if I wanna talk about it and how does that make me feel. (psychologist reference) Silly shit. I also told him that my cat just caught a bird and brought it to my patio door. Great. DEATH AT MY DOOR. ON MY BIRTHDAY. Is that some kind of sign? Hope not. Gees.

Pirate Name

I was over at Fyrchk's Blog today and stole this from her. I put my name in and this is what it said.

Your Pirate Name Is...

Skull Crusher Mary No Beard

What's Your Pirate Name?

Coincidence? I don't think so.

For your viewing pleasure....

This is me squishing AH's head. It was the next best thing to visualizing pushing old ladies down wooden staircases.

UPDATE on the job from Hell....

Thank you soooooo much to those of you who had faith in me to be able to stick it out but I quit my new job at 9:46am on Thursday.

Yep, I made it through exactly 46 minutes of her starting in on me again implying there was something wrong with me and saying "there just has to be a sense of urgency, Sherri, I'm going on vacation after next week, you know!" Again.....NOT MY FAULT when you scheduled your damn vacation. I need to be given more than 3 days to learn a new job. Maybe that's just me. I had every confidence that I would be completely capable of working my accounts, answering the phones and making decisions on my own within the next 7 working days. I wasn't even going to need that long. It was going to happen, it really was. No problem. I had it covered. Then the Hag had to fuck it all up stressing and bitching and shit at me. She's lucky I haven't had my grandma go kick her ass.

That woman really has some serious mental issues, I swear she does. Either that or she's going senile. All nicey nice one minute calling me Honey and Sweetie then snarling and pointing her finger at me yelling "why aren't you getting it?" and "what's the problem?" Me: "Uh.....I wasn't aware there was a problem but if I'm not learning fast enough for you then I guess I'll try harder." Now I wish I would have told her exactly what the problem was. That she's a crappy trainer and she's all mixed up in her head so she doesn't explain things with all the necessary information and using the right words. Is 65 years old when people start getting Dementia and Alzheimer's? She made me cry in the bathroom 3 days in a fucking row out of frustration in not being able to strangle her and push her down the stairs. I can see it all happening...

"Oh, I'm sorry Ms. Hag. I didn't mean to shove your stupid ass....uh... I mean, accidentally trip you and make you fall down all those stairs. Oh, my goodness! Your leg is at such an odd angle. Do you think you may have broken a hip or two on the way down??? Gosh, I would come down there and help you off the ground but I'm just too stupid to navigate my way down these gosh darn stairs. They just seem so complicated and you know me....I just don't seem to be getting it. Would I call an ambulance for you? Well, sure. I’ll call just as soon as I locate the phonebook. Would it be anywhere near that manual you've had me reading for the last 3 days? 911?? Oh, sure, I can call that. What's the # for them and just how do you work that darn phone again? Oh, my! Look at the time. Ms. Hag (in a crumpled heap at the bottom of the stairs), I'd love to stay and chat but I'm really feeling that sense of urgency you were talking about so I need to get back in there to learn how to work my accounts. I'll toss you an aspirin for the pain. Maybe that will help you in your dilemma. It's the least I can do after all the help and patience you've given me. No, really. It's the very least I can do."

The corporate office called me later that afternoon and asked what happened. I told them that her....ahem.....training style and my learning style were not compatible and that we had issues with that over the past few days. He told me that she had been under some stress lately and was frustrated with not having a 3rd person there to make the accounts current and perhaps had unintentionally taken that out on me and not shown a reasonable amount of patience with the training and learning process. My reply was that had to be the understatement of the year. He offered to have me go train at the corporate office instead. I thought about it for a minute. It would be an hour and a half drive each way and, even if that went well, what about having to work with the Hag day after day in very close quarters? I told him I appreciated him offering to work with me on this issue and that it said a lot for the company extending me that level of courtesy after I had basically walked out on them. I also told him that I believe my working relationship with the Hag had been damaged past the point of repair and that I wish them the best of luck in finding my replacement. He told me to call him by noon on Friday if I changed my mind. I did not change my mind.

I really need a job and I know that there are things you have to put up with in order to be successful in the working world. Believe me, I have taken a lot of crap from PMSing, bitchy, condescending, egomaniac or jealous women in the past. I am not a fragile female. I can usually handle it. This time I couldn't and you know what.....I'm Ok with that. My self esteem has taken a lot of hits lately due to my home life and I decided that I'll be damned if I am going to escape from this place in my life just to land myself in a situation where another person with a bad attitude and who is, quite possibly, losing her mind berates me for 8 hours a day. OH. HELL. NO.

Another employer left a message for me on Friday to schedule an interview and I'm waiting to hear back from them on Monday. They are a large company and I've heard they have a great training program. It will all be OK. I also am going to check on a couple of other ones I pulled off the Employment Office's site yesterday. Wish me luck!

I HATE my new job

HATE. HATE. HATE it. Get ready for a friggin rant. On your mark, get set, GO!!!!

Actually, I don't even know if I hate my job or not yet because I am too distracted dealing with the old ladies I work with to even give a shit what the job is all about at this point. I am in a 3 person office and I am the 3rd person. The office manager is 65 and the other lady is 69. No shit.

The office manager is a HORRIBLE trainer. I am not blaming her for some lack of learning ability on my part. I have NEVER had a problem learning a job. I also trained many people over the years at my old job and I have never upset anyone. She has reduced me to the point of rage tears both yesterday and today. She is going on vacation the week after next so she is stressing out about me being fully trained in the next 7 working days and was frustrated that I don't know it all already by the middle of the 3rd day there. (even though she admitted that it took way longer than that with the last 2 employees that were there).

First of all, I don't see how her vacation plans are my fucking problem and as much as I really do like her as a person, I think she needs to chill the hell out before I tell her how bad her training skills suck ass and second, she uses the wrong terms for everything and it's not helping me to understand her. Oh, and hey you half senile depends wearing old bag, there is no RETURN key on a modern keyboard. It's called ENTER. And the reason I am having trouble navigating quickly in their computer program is because it's ancient and I am used to being able to use things like DELETE and BACKSPACE and having automatic wrap around (without having to push enter at the end of every damn line of text). I'm used to exiting screens using F3 not F7 then F2 then F9 (with no prompts for reference), and using TAB to change fields instead of pressing ENTER and, say it with me again, THERE IS NO FUCKING RETURN KEY......IT'S CALLED ENTER!!! Damn. Is it too much to ask for her to understand that I am having to retrain my brain on the functions there? and that it may take a little longer for it to become 2nd nature to me than say....oh..... a total of about 2 hours, over the span of 3 days, of actual computer time instead of reading a fucking procedure manual (the one she said they don't follow most of the time anyway because a lot of the things in there "don't work for their office"). Shoot me in the head. I was 2 seconds away from quitting today at lunch.

No one should EVER have to be treated the way I have over the past 2 days. I was asked why I wasn't "getting it" and "what the hell the problem was" and that I didn't need to read what was going on with the account and to just dial the # and ask for their car payment "it's that simple". Yeah, ya know it probably is once you tell me where to find the fucking monthly payment amount and show me how to post a payment by phone. Bitch. What the hell? But I hung in there and bit my tongue. I sucked it up, nodded my head and said "I'll try harder, whatever you need me to do, I'll do it" with visible tears in my eyes. This is SOOOOOO fucking against my nature and was so hard to do. But I did it because I need this job.

She knows she's being impossible too. She has apologized for her behavior and training methods at the end of both days but it is wearing me the fuck out and I'm not sure if I'm gonna make it through this without telling her to go fuck herself and walk out the door. I'm going to stick it out at least through the week then I may be calling the other place that offered me a job for a little lower pay. If this keeps up, it would be worth it. This SOOOOO sucks. I was all happy, happy, joy, joy, too and excited about my new job. I was going to have nice things to say and funny, cheerful stories about my new coworkers. Now I'm just stuck with this hot flashing saggy skinned hag (and her yappy little ankle biting sidekick) who seems to get off on trying to make me feel stupid. Pray for me, folks. And I'll do my best to try and not push her down the stairs.

I got a job and now I can move! Yay Me!

Yep, got me a job. I start tomorrow. See, I passed the drug screening! I told you I wasn't a druggy. So there. It was quite an experience. I haven't been on a job interview for over 6 years (I was with my last job for over 5) so I wasn't prepared for the way things have changed. I was looking at several companies but this particular job was the easiest. Emailed my resume, phone screening with questions from the local office manager, job interview locally, another interview with the VP and Corporate office manager at Corp. Headquarters in another town over an hour away and then a drug screening. OH! And after I passed that, another phone conversation with corporate office manager about salary expectation and then another conversation with the local office manager about when to report for work, when pay day is and what to wear. Damn. I used to just fill out an application, go on an interview and get hired. And like I said, the other companies were more complicated than that. Six or seven steps to the hiring process, no shit. I got another offer from one of those but I'm going to take this one. Mainly because they offered me the highest amount I was hoping to start for and I get a raise in 90 days after their evaluation.

Mainly, I'm excited because now I get to look for a new house to live in, for just my daughter and me again. My child support is a good amount and has paid half the bills her so far but if I want to move then I needed more. Getting the higher end of the pay that I was hoping for means we can rent a house in the best part of town where we lived before. Jenna went all through grade school there so she has always wanted to move back. The commute will be quicker for me too there so it's a win/win. Time to go house hunting. I want a yard for my kitties to roam and to have back yard BBQs, I want to be able to set up an above ground pool in the summer and I want to get a pool table for the garage for when my friends come over. And at least 2 bedroom and 2 bath. I don't think Jenna and I can share a mirror in the morning. I don't think that's asking too much but we'll see what I can find on short notice.

AH did something nice.......I know........I don't usually say anything nice about him but I will give him credit when he deserves it. He knows I am starting my new job tomorrow and brought me home a bottle of wine to relax me and help celebrate. Ok, it was Sangria and in a jug but I'm OK with that. Baby steps. He's been on his best behavior since I told him I got the job. He's trying to save our relationship (relationship, ha!) and thinks he can pull it off before I move. I keep telling him it's not going to work but he won't believe me. Oh well, I guess whatever gets him to behave will just make my last days here easier.

Anyway, that's what's up and I am more cheerful tonight thanks to my new job and the Sangria. Sorry about the downer post before but I usually post stuff just to get it out so it's gonna happen sometimes. Peace.

What up on the job search and why is he such an AH?

I've been very busy with my job search this last couple of weeks and I think I may have found myself a job. It's for a auto loan financing company. Full time, good pay. I'm just waiting for my drug test results to come back and I'm hired. (I don't do any drugs so I'm not worried about it.) They are hoping to have me start on Monday. If I do, the next week is going to be really busy with house hunting so I won't have to live with AH anymore.

I have mixed feelings about all that and I still don't know what I'm going to do about his kids. I'm the only mom they've had for the last 4 years and I don't want to abandon them. What I do know is, I can't live with him anymore. Hell, I can't be with him at all anymore. Part of me still cares about him but I'm definitely not in love. If I ever was, he killed it a long time ago. Most of the time now I just want to put a screw driver through his temple. Oh, sorry, would that be wrong? And I don't think I will never again look at men in the same trusting way as I did before I was with him. He showed me the dark side and I'm not sure I can get over that too easily. I used to think getting affection didn't come with a price and I used to believe that someone could enjoy my company without expecting me to put out. I forgot what it was like to be taken out once in a while or to spend a quiet evening cuddling on the couch watching a movie. I've never been treated this way before and now I wonder if this is how men really are and they just keep it hidden or if it's just him who is a pig and there's still decent men out there. He made me feel obligated to do things I didn't feel like doing and then he told me I was unlovable and that no one would ever be able to be with me and be happy. The me I was before would have told him to go to hell and now a part of me wonders if he's right.

I know that destructive relationships can play havoc on your self esteem and I know I'm in a bad spot right now. I'm just hoping that it all changes when I get my own place again and I can get to the place emotionally that I was before. I'm hoping that I haven't let the last 4 years change me permanently for the worse. I guess I'm about to find out. I'm normally a very strong person and I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm scared. Change is scary to me and not knowing what the future has in store for me is the hardest part. I've been here before in my life, though, (leaving a relationship that wasn't working) and it all turned out for the best so I'm just going to try to make it a leap of faith and trust that everything will work out and be OK.

I'm being totally depressing and I hate it so enough of that!!! I like the other me better. This chick I've been writing about today is a real wimp and I've had about enough of her. Am I creeping you out yet by talking about myself in 3rd person? Yeah, I thought so. So, anyway, I hope everyone else is having a better day than I am and I'll be back soon when I'm in a better mood. Kayseeyalaterbye.

My child has taken over my computer.

Wow, it's been a while since I've been on the computer. I just set up a MySpace for my daughter, Jenna, and she's hogging it. Guess it's time for her own computer.

Speaking of MySpace.........I have a gripe. I've been hearing a lot of parents getting their panties in a bunch over MySpace and the safety issues involved and here's MY opinion on the matter. I don't allow my child to go anywhere or do anything without checking it out first and knowing how to check up on her during whatever the activity is. Why are all these parents letting their children on a computer and allowing them to have free reign without having access to their MySpace profile and their sign on information so they can check up on it? My friend has 2 teenage boys and has no idea how to even get on their MySpace. Not me. I set that shit up for my daughter and the day that I can't, at any time, sign on like I'm her and see what she's been doing and who she's been in contact with is the day she no longer has the privilege of having one. MySpace is not the problem. If they shut it down, the children would still be out there on the internet chatting. At least with MySpace, they are in a central location where we have the ability to check in on them. The real problem is the parents who never bother to get involved with what their children are into and then, when something bad happens, they blame someone else. I even made my own MySpace so I can check in on my friends' kids and I'm one of their top 8 friends on most of them. I want to know what they're up to and who is commenting to them and what they are saying. I want to know they are being cautious and safe by not posting personal information. I want to read the bulletins they are reading because I CARE about them and their teen age world and I don't understand parents who don't. 'Nuff said on the matter.